My Rainbow Baby is Turning ONE!

I have sat down to write a post like this probably over 20 times, but can never seem to come up with the right words.  I always end up with an unorganized mess of intertwining stories that just don’t seem to make sense together.  But the road that led us to Nathan was messy and unorganized, and most definitely did not make sense.  Nathan is our rainbow baby, our baby after a loss.  Before I was pregnant with Nathan, I was pregnant with a little girl.  Her name is Madelyn Hope and she was born on July 27, 2016.  I was only 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant when she came into the world, so we had to say goodbye as soon as we met her.

This is where I usually get tripped up- I want to tell Madelyn’s story because she was and always will be such an important part of our lives.  I feel a responsibility to share my experience because reading other women’s stories helped me feel not so alone.  One of these days when I feel like I can get the right words together, I will tell her story… and hopefully it will help at least one woman who feels completely lost.  But for now, I’m going to bring my focus back to our amazing little boy.

Nathan came to us at a time when we needed him the most.  It’s impossible to accept that something as cruel as miscarriage happens to people.  You spend so much time trying to make sense of it, but you just can’t.  After it happened to us, all I knew was that I needed to be pregnant again.  I had to fill that empty space… to have something to look forward to and have hope for the future.  So when I saw the positive pregnancy test in October of 2016, I cried happy tears for the first time in what felt like forever. 

My pregnancy with Nathan was filled with a ton of extra doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and tests—but my mama bear instinct kicked in early and I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to protect this child.  He came into this world on July 17, 2017 (just ten days shy of one year from his sister’s birthday).  I will never forget the moment I first held him, a relief came over me and everything we had went through felt like it had happened a lifetime ago.

Now he is just days away from being ONE!!  It is so crazy how fast the time has gone!  I’m in this weird place of wanting time to slow down but still being so excited to watch him grow and learn new things.  And this boy is learning new things everyday (sometimes it’s that he can skip the step of picking up his cheerios to eat them, and instead just put his face straight on the pile—but whatever)!  Nathan is absolutely INSANE… but in the best way possible!  He is a busy little boy and always on the move, leaving a trail of cheerios wherever he goes.  The only time he’s still is when he’s sleeping (or when his favorite episode of Sesame Street is on).  He loves making people laugh—if he does something on accident that makes us laugh, he looks over and gives us the proudest smile!!  And that smile… it absolutely melts my heart!  He totally knows it can get him out of trouble (most times).

I never expected to learn so much from my baby.  Nathan has taught me that I need to try and go with the flow; if I’m too focused on trying to create the perfect memories and moments, I’ll miss the little things that are happening every day.  He has taught me to let go and be silly.  He has showed me how amazing life can be and how much I can love someone.  I hope we can make him as happy as he makes us and that he always knows his mama bear will do anything for him!